


river full of memory

by softambrollins



Category: Professional Wrestling
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Apologies, Depression, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, Hospitals, Injury, M/M, Memory Loss, Psychological Trauma, Reunions, Self-Destruction, Self-Reflection, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22261519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins
Summary: It's like watching someone else on the screen. Some dark, twisted, mirror version of himself. That's not him. Thatcan'tbe him.He won the title and then he lost it. And he lost it again. Roman left. Dean left. For good. The fans turned on him after he gave them everything. And maybe he can almost understand what happened next, crushed under the weight of all that loneliness and emptiness and constant abandonment.Seth gets knocked out and wakes up in the hospital having lost all recollection of the last ten months, thinking it's still March 2019. In trying to put the pieces of his memory back together, he realises that something else has been broken for a long time. And maybe now he finally has a chance to fix it.
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black, Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	river full of memory

Seth wakes up in a hospital bed, and it's not an entirely unusual occurrence given his line of work, but something feels _off_ this time. For one, he's not sure where in the world he actually is. He could be in Kansas or in Australia for all he knows. And he can't remember exactly why he's here. From the throbbing in the right side of his skull, he assumes he'd hit his head. But he can't remember wrestling, getting to the show, none of that. And that's probably a bad sign.

And there's also the fact that there's no one around. The last time he woke up in a hospital alone was after his knee surgery years ago and there's nothing worse than that deep, crushing feeling of isolation and he never wanted to experience that again. And Dean and Roman probably know that too, and he knows they'd be here, unless something even more dire was preventing that. Unless — 

He looks around for his stuff, finds his phone, keys, and wallet lying on a table next to him. He grabs the phone — the battery's almost but not quite dead, and he frowns at the date on the lockscreen, _January 2020_ , something must have gone out of whack at some point. It feels appropriate that his phone would be totally fucked up just when his brain decides to completely fail him too. He ignores it, he'll deal with that some other time, and then he calls Dean's number without checking his messages or anything.

He doesn't answer, which wouldn't be worrying usually because Dean never picks up his damn phone, but right now it's just maddening and adding to the gripping panic already building in his chest.

He exhales a low curse — _Where the fuck are you, Dean_ — and then hangs up.

Roman answers on the second ring. "Hey, what's up?" he says, sounding distracted. But not like he's in a life-threatening situation or anything. More like he's in the middle of herding a handful of kids. Which is pretty typical for Roman usually. But still kind of odd at this exact moment.

"Roman, hey," he says, urgent but fond at the same time. It's good to hear his voice. And not just because of his current predicament. It feels like they haven't talked in a long time, weirdly. "Are you okay, man?"

"What? _Seth?_ " He says his name in a tone of genuine surprise, strange and detached, like he hardly knows him.

"Yeah, it's me. I was wondering where you guys are, I woke up in the hospital and it was weird —"

"Why are you calling me, man?" he interrupts, sounding irritated now.

"What do you mean? Why _wouldn't_ I be calling you?" Seth asks, feeling like he's definitely missing something now. Like maybe he's being pranked or something. It wouldn't be the first time. But there's no way Roman would allow Dean to go through with something this fucking insane and elaborate that would probably actually jeopardise his long-term health and well-being. Because he's in a real hospital with what feels like a very real concussion. And Seth's pretty sure there's no way to deliberately make someone lose all their memories of basically an entire day, maybe week, without them knowing it. Or maybe he's just underestimating Dean again — 

"Well, you've been in a different place lately," Roman says evenly. "And you have your own crew now, so —" Own crew? _What?_ Now he really has no idea what's going on.

"I don't know what you're talking about, man. I just woke up in the hospital, and no one's here, and I can't really remember what happened."

"Well, I saw you get knocked out on TV but I wasn't there, so I don't really know the details. You'd have to ask someone else, man." Okay, now he's getting somewhere. It happened on Raw. But TV wasn't supposed to be for _days_. Maybe he did actually miss a whole week. It's troubling to think about but hopefully nothing of too much consequence happened in those days. But hang on — 

" _Wait._ You weren't there?" he asks Roman, puzzled.

"I'm on Smackdown now, man. You know that." He sounds like he's humouring him now, and Roman's whole patronising 'little brother' act is infuriating even when he's not possibly losing his goddamn mind.

"What? When the hell did that happen?" he snaps at him, probably more aggressively than he intended.

"Seth, are you just fucking with me now? Because I really don't have time for you being a little shit anymore —" He sounds like he's actually at the end of his patience now.

He lets out a heavy sigh. "No, no, of course not. I'm just trying to figure this out, man. I don't know who else to call." He knows he just sounds tired and defeated now. He _feels_ defeated. Nothing's making any sense and it feels like the entire world's kept spinning but left him behind somehow. And Seth doesn't do well with loss of control.

"Okay, fine, if you're actually serious," Roman says after a moment. "I'll try to help you put it together. God knows I've had to do the same thing for Ambrose way too many times after a night on the town."

"So, what the hell happened to me, man? Was it Lesnar?" Seth asks all in a rush. "That son of a bitch, I swear —"

"Lesnar?" Roman echoes, and now he seems really confused, and actually concerned for the first time.

"Yeah, you know, big, ugly dude? Turns purple like Thanos sometimes? Head looks like a lego?" _Who's the one with memory problems again?_ Seth wonders.

"Seth, I'm pretty sure you haven't been anywhere near Brock Lesnar in a long time," he says, almost consolingly. 

"What do you mean? He's been coming after me for weeks. I'm fighting him at 'Mania." That still feels _right_ even if nothing else does. That's everything he's been working for his whole life. Getting knocked out and losing a week doesn't change that. He's going to main-event Wrestlemania, he's going to do the one thing he's always dreamed of, it's like a constant truth thrumming inside his veins. Like a prophecy.

"Seth, Wrestlemania's already gone," Roman tells him, voice unsettlingly quiet. Like maybe Roman's suddenly scared for his sanity too.

"What, I missed Wrestlemania? That can't be right. That can't be —" he protests weakly. He shakes his head vigorously, feeling the pulsating ache in his temple getting worse. It suddenly feels like the walls of the small, sterile-white room are starting to close in on him. Like he's losing oxygen. 

"Well, the match didn't last long," he says bluntly now. "Maybe you should be glad you don't remember."

"So...I didn't win," he concludes, the truth of that setting in, like a heavy weight in his gut. Not only does he not remember main-eventing Wrestlemania, but he got his ass kicked too. Just his luck.

"No, you did," Roman corrects him.

"Oh, so I'm the champion now?" He doesn't feel very much like a champion right now. He's sure if he was the champion, someone would probably be here who actually gave a shit about him going fucking insane.

"No, you don't have the title anymore," Roman tells him, as gently as possible. Of course he doesn't. As if this couldn't get any worse.

"What? What are you even saying right now? What is happening?" He suddenly feels frantic, like his heart's beating too fast and his mind's racing with so many questions and doubts and fears and unknowns and he's trying to remember _so hard_ but nothing's coming back, nothing but more blanks and blurs and darkness, and he can't _breathe_ and he's gonna pass out — 

"Seth, you need to calm down," Roman says firmly. "You're gonna be okay. You're in a hospital. The doctors will sort everything out. I'm sure whatever it is, it'll pass."

"Okay," Seth says, taking deep breaths. "Okay." He's never been more grateful for Roman's level-headedness and unshakeable solidity in a crisis.

"If you really don't remember what you've been doing recently, then maybe you should just watch the last couple shows, man," he suggests. And that sounds like the most logical thing in the world, the thing Seth should've thought of in the first place before freaking the fuck out like a neurotic mess.

"Okay," he says, feeling his heart rate returning to normal. "Thanks, man, I appreciate it."

"Yeah, I gotta go, man. I'll talk to you later maybe."

"Okay, but one last question," Seth says, suddenly realising the one huge factor missing from all of this. That he's totally disregarded in his own state of mental distress. "So I get why _you're_ not here, because you're on Smackdown now apparently. But…where's Dean?"

Roman's just really quiet for a long moment, like something's just dawned on him too, and then he just says, " _Oh._ "

*

Dean's gone. It's hard to even imagine it. It was hard to imagine even in the weeks after the announcement. Dean leaving. Not being here. In the car and in the locker room and by his side in the ring. But now it's a fact. Solid and immutable. He's gone. He's been gone for a long time. And Seth doesn't know who he is now in the face of that revelation. He doesn't know who he's been this whole time.

And his phone isn't malfunctioning. It's January. It's been ten months. He's been moving around in the world, living, changing, upsetting things, and he can't remember any of it. Like he was sleepwalking this whole time. This part of him asleep somewhere inside of his skin.

It's like watching someone else on the screen. Some dark, twisted, mirror version of himself. That's not him. That _can't_ be him.

He won the title and then he lost it. And he lost it again. Roman left. Dean left. For good. The fans turned on him after he gave them everything. And maybe he can almost understand what happened next, crushed under the weight of all that loneliness and emptiness and constant abandonment. 

But after everything he's been through, he still can't believe that he would snap so hard and so suddenly, go completely off the rails, without _trying_ , trying with everything he had to make it better. Trying to hold on to the person he was. He thought he was stronger, he thought he would fight harder. He thought he knew who he was even when he had nothing. Even when everything, the whole world and the voices in his head, was telling him that he'd always be this person, the selfish, greedy traitor. But maybe he's just weak. Maybe he's just as weak as he was the first time. And now he has nothing to hold him back from hurtling straight off the edge into the dark and cruel unknown.

Maybe he just has nothing to fight for anymore.

He puts his phone down and lies back down on the bed, on his side, knees pulled to his chest, hands balled up into knots. He would cry if his head wasn't already killing him. If he wasn't suddenly so, so tired, like he's been fighting to stay awake this whole time without even realising it. He's only been running on fear and adrenaline since he woke up all alone with no points of reference telling him if he was safe, if he would be okay. His body's still exhausted and now his mind is too. His soul feels leaden and weary. So he just lies there, tries to push it all away. Lets his heavy eyelids fall shut again. Wonders who he'll wake up as this time.

*

He gets discharged eventually, after he talks to a neurologist who says that his brain is physically fine, he just needs rest to fully heal now. His memories will probably gradually start to come back but it's uncertain how long it will take. Or if he'll ever actually remember everything he lost. The prognosis for cases like his are always unpredictable. It depends on the person. The circumstances. Maybe it depends on how much he _wants_ to remember. Sometimes after a trauma, some people develop a mental block, like their brains are trying to save them from more damage. Some people need to remember to move on. And talking to the people closest to you, spending time in familiar places, doing the same things, following your old habits, looking at pictures or videos of yourself, might trigger memory recovery. It's strange sometimes, the things that come back to the surface first, the things that you might not expect but that are actually the most important to you. 

He just has to wait now. Let it happen or not. But Seth's never been too good at waiting for things to happen. He's always been better at _making_ them happen. But maybe that's what got him into this mess in the first place, and all the other messes over his entire life. He knows what Roman would say. _Just relax and you'll find yourself where you need to be._ He always thought that was terrible advice but maybe it worked out better for him that he ever realised. He doesn't know what Dean would say. Maybe something like _Waiting's for losers. Life's too damn short._ Dean's never waited for anything in his life. He took everything he ever wanted, busted his ass and put his heart and soul into it, and then when he was done, it was off to the next thing. He was never satisfied staying still. That's why he's gone now. He wants everything, the whole world. But Seth's always only had one goal. He had it and now it's gone. And he can't even remember it, but something tells him he wasn't happy, not really. Something was broken in him long before he got hit in the head and his mind fractured. He's not going to be happy until he puts the pieces back together. And maybe this is the opportunity he needs to do that. 

So he leaves the hospital he can't remember being brought in to and he goes back to a hotel he can't remember checking into in a town he can't remember ever being in or wrestling in. 

He goes back home because there's nothing else to do right now. And it's probably the best place to be, because this town never changes. It hasn't changed since he was a kid and it hasn't changed in the last ten months. His house is still the same. His street is still the same. The people are still the same. It's only everything else and his whole entire world that's changed.

He spends most of the next few days catching up, not just on all the huge world events, but his own life. He may not have that many friends anymore but what he does have is video footage of a significant portion of his life. He's never been more grateful for having his existence so thoroughly documented. He watches all the shows and whatever else he can find, scours social media for blurry fan videos at conventions, listens to every podcast, reads every interview he ever gave. And some of it sounds familiar, sounds like _him_ , but somewhere in the middle, everything changes. And he just sounds different and resentful and like someone else.

And then he starts reading and watching and listening to everything Dean's done in the last ten months. And he looks happy and he sounds happy. But he's so far away. Like he's beyond his grasp now. Part of him wants to reach back through time and stop him from leaving. And he knows, with a certainty he can't explain, that if Dean were still with him now, he would never have turned into this person. He wouldn't have ended up here. And suddenly it's like he can't breathe again.

He shoves the laptop away from himself for the first time and squeezes his eyes shut and takes a series of measured, controlled breaths. His head is pounding harder than it has since he woke up in the hospital. He's been awake too long, staring at bright screens for too long, absorbing too much, feeling too much, it's just gonna make everything worse in the long run. He wants to _know_ , wants to know everything all at once, but he's also afraid of digging any deeper, into himself, his own subconscious, afraid of what he might find there lurking at the bottom.

He curls up on the couch and surrenders to the inviting tug of unconsciousness right behind his eyes.

*

He calls Roman again when he wakes up. He has questions, he needs answers, and even if Roman doesn't want to talk to him, and he understands why now, he's the only person he trusts to tell him the truth but also not want to deliberately cause him and his fragile mind any more harm. Even if he probably deserves all of it and more.

"I'm sorry," he says, as soon as he picks up. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened to me. I don't know who that person is that I'm watching. I don't —"

"You really don't remember, huh?" Roman says, and he sounds sorry and sombre.

"No, I don't remember anything after wrestling McIntyre and Brock showing up and then Dean coming to help me when Corbin tried to stick his dumb bald head in. I thought I just got knocked out at a house show or something. But turns out, it's been ten whole months. And maybe you were right. Maybe I don't _want_ to remember it," Seth says darkly.

"It wasn't all bad. You won the title. Twice. You earned it. You were okay, for a while. I was worried, you know, after Dean left," Roman admits, and it feels like the first time he's voicing his concern to Seth. "But you were dealing with it. Or I thought you were anyway. And then it's like you just started to crack under the pressure. Like all of it was suddenly getting to you."

"Yeah, I've seen the tweets," Seth says dryly.

"Not just that. You were just on edge all the time, man. Like you were expecting to be attacked because you were so vulnerable so you just made yourself a target. Gave everyone a reason to come after you. Like you were self-destructing on purpose," he finishes hollowly.

"Doesn't sound too out of character," Seth says grimly.

"I think you were in denial for a while and then it just hit you, all at once. And you couldn't handle it anymore," Roman says sadly. And now Seth vaguely starts to remember. It comes on slow, like a shadow of a feeling passing over him. Just the faint remnants of anger and hurt and betrayal. It's the first thing he's really remembered. And it's startling and tilts his entire world on its axis. Because Dean's hurt him before, so terribly, and he remembers that, but this is _different_. This is tangled up with shame and bitterness and self-loathing and rejection.

Because Dean _left_ him, for good this time, and maybe it was easier when he had heartbreak and righteous fury and revenge to hold on to. Because now, he doesn't have _anything_. Dean's happier without him and he wants him to be happy more than anything. He knows now that he was never going to stay here with him and it makes everything feel like a lie. He can't hate him without feeling guilty and awful and like the worst person in the world but he also didn't tell him where he was going, like it was a dirty secret, like he didn't deserve to know, like he didn't trust him to not feel betrayed — and _of course_ he feels fucking betrayed, how could he not, even after saying a million times that all he wanted to do was love and support him wherever he went, whatever he did. Because all he's ever wanted was Dean, _Dean_ , Dean right next to him forever. Blindly. Mindlessly. Selfishly. And he can't do anything about any of it. So what else was Seth supposed to do but try to fight everyone, burn the whole damn world down? Because what was the point anymore?

It suddenly all comes back to him, the flurry of emotions he's felt over the last ten months raining down on him, relentless, unstoppable, like screaming echoing through his brain, and it almost makes him feel sick. That he can trace the path that brought him here. That the man he could barely look at in those videos is the result of all this rampant chaos in his head. He's been trying to unwind the clock all along. Go back to when he was safe and protected. When his emotions froze over like a lake in winter and all the love in his heart stilled like a stagnant river. He's stuck, suspended in this cold stasis, and no one's going to free him now.

He's been struggling to reconcile the person he sees onscreen with the man he thinks he is and now he knows: this is who he was never meant to be, this is who he is without Dean.

Dean never meant to break his heart this time, but here it is anyway, here _he_ is, so shattered that he's become the thing he hates the most, the thing he never wanted to be again. And so, so lost that he couldn't even recognise it. Couldn't pull himself out of the shadowy depths that are forever calling to him and tempting him. Seth’s demons are old friends now, he's kept them close to always remind himself to never let them win again. But after losing everything else, he forgot to see them for what they were, encouraging all the poisonous thoughts already swirling around in his head. 

But maybe he's not so alone after all. Maybe he never has been.

"Thanks, Roman," he says, like a sigh of relief. "I think I'm gonna be okay now. But I need to ask you for one more favour."

"Yeah, man. Whatever you need."

*

Dean meets him in a small park a week later. It's a place they'd somehow ended up together one winter morning two years ago when Seth had come to visit him. It's cold but bright, the sun bathing everything, turning the world golden, like washing it anew. It's strange, being outside, the breeze and the trees, things growing, kids playing and dogs frolicking. All this life and activity and change that he missed. Seth's not good with change. He's too stubborn, set in his ways. He's never been good at moving on. He can never really let go of the past. It always just clings to him like frost on new spring leaves.

Dean sits next to him on a bench, stretches his legs out in front of him, tips his head back. Like he doesn't have a care in the world. He'd thought just the sight of him in front of him would knock something back into place in his broken brain. Like winding a clock, rusty gears waking up and moving enthusiastically against each other again. Creating warmth and music and synergy. But somehow, up close like this, he still feels like _his_ Dean. Like he hasn't changed at all. Like it's still a year ago after Roman brought them back together, the way they always were going to be, holding on to those last few precious moments before he had to leave.

"Amnesia, huh? Rough luck. What's the last thing you remember?" he says casually.

"You saving me," Seth tells him simply.

Dean laughs at that but it's almost nostalgic. "Feels like a lifetime ago."

"When was the last time we talked?" he asks tentatively.

Dean glances across at him for a moment before lowering his gaze again. "For real? You called me up after that interview. Said you didn't mean for it to sound as bad as it did."

Seth winces. Figures that he would've tried to justify it, tried to blame someone or something else. It's an old habit of his. "What an asshole," he mutters.

"You said you were just mad that I didn't tell you about it," Dean continues flatly. "That you understood and you supported me, but it still hurt."

"It did," Seth confesses. "More than I even realised. I didn't want to admit to myself so I just buried it. And it got worse. Until I wasn't just trying to hurt _you_. But everyone else too."

"You're not that person," Dean says, staring at him with intense eyes, jaw set. "I know you're not that person."

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. Before it felt like he was apologising for things he didn't even do, it was almost empty, not worth anything, but now he knows that it's on him. Whether he remembers doing it or not, he remembers _feeling_ it, remembers letting all his worst instincts consume him and take control of him. "I've been harbouring all this resentment and anger. For you. For everything. And it made me wretched. It made me hate myself so much that it was preferable to be that cold, soulless bastard again. To just forget the last three years ever happened. But forgetting — forgetting's not as easy as I thought." He gives him an ironic smile.

"I'll never forget about you, you know," Dean tells him earnestly, eyes growing softer, warmer, sunlight glinting off his blue irises, turning them so, so bright. There are so many memories and moments dancing in his eyes; it's like a whole world. It's like time itself. He thinks that as long as he's looking into Dean's eyes, he might never forget anything ever again. "So don't forget about me. Don't forget yourself."

Seth knows now that that's the most devastating loss you can ever suffer. Waking up and not being able to recognise the person who's looking back at you in the mirror.

"I don't want to," he swears. "Never again."

Dean reaches over and takes his hand in his own now. It's warm and soft and firm and just his skin against his own is enough to make Seth tingle all over and to ignite a different part of his brain. He remembers Dean's hand in his own, his arms around his body, Seth's head on his shoulder, Dean resting his fingertips on his cheek and leaning in to brush his lips over Seth's, so, so gently, the last night before he left. And _oh_ , that was it, that was the last moment where everything felt right and complete. Like he wasn't meant to keep parts of him hidden away or under ice, like he could be whole and healed and _better_ , like he could finally set his demons loose and not be afraid of them coming back even stronger to drag him away when he let his guard down. He can almost still taste it now, it's like a wish, a promise. Something clasped tightly in both their hands and then released to the heavens like doves.

Seth closes his eyes, a shiver passing through him, but it's a pleasant ghost of a feeling this time. He opens them, smiling at Dean.

"So, what else do you remember?" Dean asks after a long moment.

"Not much. It's mostly just feelings, sensations, flashes. It's hard to put them together into something coherent. To make sense of them. Maybe they'll all come back sometime. Or maybe they won't." It's strangely exciting now, to have a reset button, a do-over, this new lease on life almost, to be able to start over fresh. Do things differently. Better. With the gift of hindsight. Maybe he can't erase his mistakes but he can make up for them. He can make something new, a new version of himself, something stronger.

"You should make a list. Of all the things you missed that you need to experience again. Like Captain America. I can help you with that if you want."

"I still can't believe I saw Endgame and totally forgot it," Seth says huffily. "Avoiding spoilers is gonna be a nightmare."

Dean smirks at him. "We can watch it together sometime if you want. You'll enjoy it, seeing as you're already versed in time-travel yourself. Sort of."

"Roman told me the series finale of Game of Thrones was the greatest ever. "

"Oh, he _would_ ," Dean tells him almost mournfully.

"What? _No_ ," Seth says, almost outraged. "I said no spoilers. Asshole."

Dean just grins at him and then he grows serious again. "Okay, one spoiler. You told me something before I left."

Seth just pouts at him. "That's so not fair, you know. It's like, you have all this dirt on me, and I have no way to refute any of it."

Dean shakes his head. "It's nothing bad. I promise."

"Okay. Tell me," Seth says, staring at him eagerly.

"You told me that you didn't really know who you were before this. That you didn't think you could ever be that happy. And that you just wanted me to be happy too. That having this made you want to be selfless for the first time."

"If only that was true," Seth says with a regretful sigh.

"But that wasn't all you said. You also said that you'd learn to love me more than you need me. Letting go doesn't make this worth any less. It just means your belief in it is even stronger. You said you knew we'd find our way back to each other someday."

"And what did you say? Is there any hope of that?" Seth asks expectantly.

"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe you just have to wait to find out," Dean says, eyes clear and deep, like a river finally flowing freely the way it was meant to. He feels something unravel, in his chest, in his mind. Feels the brisk air blow over him and through him. Soothing. Reviving. Transforming. Like ice melting after years. Like all his memories and his feelings rushing through him unrestrained. Not festering somewhere deep underground, but at the surface, exposed to the sunlight. Maybe change isn't so bad after all.

And for the first time, Seth thinks he might be content enough to do just that.


End file.
